I always try and look for meaning and signs in my everyday life. Even in the littlest things, it brings me comfort to think that there is more to this world than we can see and that something out there leaves us clues or hints at lessons we need to learn or decisions we need to make. So when today, for the second day in a row, I realized that my boyfriend had taken the car seat to work with him, 45 minutes away, in spite of my disappointment and frustration I tried to look at it a different way.
It would have been so easy to blame him. After all I had asked him hours before he left for work, when he was just sitting on the couch, if he could go and grab the seat for me. And he said he would do it after. Don’t worry, he told me, I will make sure I bring in before I leave. Ok, so I was pajama shorts that were not appropriate to be seen by anyone and I didn’t feel like changing at that moment so I said, that’s fine. And then when he left for work two hours later the car seat didn’t even cross my mind because I have been in the habit, until recently, of taking the whole seat in with baby still strapped in. But the seat and baby combination is getting heavy. I didn’t even realize that we had forgotten to take the seat until he texted me from work to say he was sorry and had forgotten. Motherfucker. And I just sank a little. And then frustration bubbled up inside. And even though I could feel my temper rising (I had really been looking forward to hanging out with my parents and getting out of our small apartment), I thought of how this was no one’s fault but my own. I had no reason why I couldn’t have put some pants on and gone out to get the seat myself when I had thought about it. I am the one who had every reason to keep the car seat at the forefront of my mind and remind him as he was walking out the door. But whatever. It happened and can’t be changed.
Anyway I decided to look a little further into this. Two days in a row this happened, with the forgotten seat when I wanted to go out with my son so obviously the universe was trying to tell me something. And the conclusion I came to was this: that I can’t depend on anyone else to give me what I want. The car seat didn’t matter to my boyfriend. He would be at work all night and it was of absolutely no consequence to him whether or not I had access to that car seat. It mattered to me. And also to my parents who were now missing out on a night with their grandson.
Even though my boyfriend told me that he would remember, absolutely, for sure would bring it in before leaving for work, I had no business to assume that such a small thing would break through his daily habit of getting into his car and driving to work, basically in auto pilot the whole way. Because the car seat didn’t matter to him or affect his life. It mattered to me. And I might matter to him but that isn’t enough to make all the little things I care about things he cares about.
This whole situation, though seemingly mundane, has made me realize that unless I take control and take responsibility for every aspect of my life I’m going to find myself sitting on the sidelines wondering why I didn’t take action. It might seem silly to make such a grand conclusion from such a small incident but I truly believe the universe is always giving us feedback about ourselves and I don’t want to wait for the universe to have to bitch slap me with a lesson.
So even though I really wanted to get out of the apartment on this gray, rainy day I can at least find solace in the fact that I have three amazingly interesting books on the go that I can tackle and an incredibly entertaining and loving 11 month old who is all the company I need.